fear
Lately I've been thinking about one of my deepest fears. It's a fear I've had since I was at least 16, but it's become a more pronounced fear recently because of the timing in my life. It's not necessarily a justified fear, but it's not necessarily an unjustified fear, either. This fear's justifiability is something only time will tell.
I'm afraid I won't be able to have babies.
I have always wanted to be a mom. I used to tell my parents I wasn't going to go to college because I just wanted to be a mom (I was quite young when I said that). I've named and renamed my future children over and over since I was five or younger. Even as I've studied in college, my end goal has never been to have a super professional career; my end goal is to be the best mother I can be, a mother who loves, nurtures, and teaches her children well.
The prospect that I might not get that terrifies me. I've heard too many stories about infertile women, and I know it isn't an uncommon occurrence. Not to mention the fact that most of my sisters and sister-in-laws all get pregnant pretty easily (or even if not easily, they have still been able to get pregnant and have children), so what if I'm the one who can't?
When I was 16 and worried about this, it didn't matter much because motherhood was at least a few years away. But now that I'm 22 and we're seriously thinking about babies, the fear is more real. I'm afraid of finding out that this fear is justified.
Because if it is, that opens up a can of more fears. Fear that I'll never get to have any children--natural-born or otherwise. Fear that adoption will take many years. Fear that things won't go according to my timeline.
But I guess the bottom line is that I just need to have more faith. Fear is the enemy of faith, and I'm giving in to my fears. Faith doesn't mean knowing that things will work out exactly how you want them to; it just means knowing that things will work out.
So only time will tell what happens with me and babies, but in the meantime, I'll choose faith.
How have you chosen faith over fear in your life?
I'm afraid I won't be able to have babies.
I have always wanted to be a mom. I used to tell my parents I wasn't going to go to college because I just wanted to be a mom (I was quite young when I said that). I've named and renamed my future children over and over since I was five or younger. Even as I've studied in college, my end goal has never been to have a super professional career; my end goal is to be the best mother I can be, a mother who loves, nurtures, and teaches her children well.
The prospect that I might not get that terrifies me. I've heard too many stories about infertile women, and I know it isn't an uncommon occurrence. Not to mention the fact that most of my sisters and sister-in-laws all get pregnant pretty easily (or even if not easily, they have still been able to get pregnant and have children), so what if I'm the one who can't?
When I was 16 and worried about this, it didn't matter much because motherhood was at least a few years away. But now that I'm 22 and we're seriously thinking about babies, the fear is more real. I'm afraid of finding out that this fear is justified.
Because if it is, that opens up a can of more fears. Fear that I'll never get to have any children--natural-born or otherwise. Fear that adoption will take many years. Fear that things won't go according to my timeline.
But I guess the bottom line is that I just need to have more faith. Fear is the enemy of faith, and I'm giving in to my fears. Faith doesn't mean knowing that things will work out exactly how you want them to; it just means knowing that things will work out.
So only time will tell what happens with me and babies, but in the meantime, I'll choose faith.
How have you chosen faith over fear in your life?
I was the same exact way before I had my daughter! I was diagnosed with endometriosis and I heard horror stories from friends who couldn't have babies because of that. That's the hardest part about it, the unknown. But like you said just have faith even maybe get a priesthood blessing! Even now that I have my daughter I worry that I won't be able to have more. I'm glad I wasn't the only one who felt like that! If you need someone to talk to I would love to talk to you! Keep your head up!!
ReplyDelete-Courtney
(if you want to read my blog about it you can! It's zackandcourtney.blogspot.com)
I totally agree that the hardest part is the unknown! I used to worry about the future when it came to choosing a husband, because I just didn't know how things would work out or who they'd work out with. Then I got married and I thought fear of the unknown was over, but nope! There's always stuff that we won't know how it will turn out, so I guess we just always gotta have faith! :) Thanks for stopping by and sharing some of your story. I'll definitely go check out your blog :)
DeleteI have also had that fear since I was a teenager....but I thought it was just me being me. We have now been trying for 13 months and been working with a doctor for about 7 months. We are now waiting for insurance stuff to get figured out...what they will and will not cover. I am supposed to go into surgery in September to see if I have endometriosis and how bad it is. I never realized how many women struggled with it until now. But I agree with the fear of the unknown is probably the worst part! But we have an awesome doctor and like you said you just have to have faith... because that is one of the only things that will get you through!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness I had no idea that you had been trying so long! I'm sorry that things are taking longer than anticipated, and I hope that the doctors can help you figure things out so you can hopefully make some cute babies! But no matter what, just keep having faith :)
DeleteOne thing really stood out to me reading your post, "Fear that things won't go according to my timeline." And man, do I struggle with that too. There have been several things lately that I've been really worried about, and to be honest a lot of it was pressure that I put on myself. Sam and I got married this past weekend, and over our 9-month engagement (and planning period) I would start to get stressed out about a certain part of the planning not working out, like we couldn't find a reception venue in our tiny budget, or we were worried about having enough food etc. And the AMAZING thing was, that even when I was getting stressed out about something I THOUGHT wasn't going to work out, I swear God had it under control and amazing things started to happen (like finding the perfect venue for only $75...). And then there was this medical school thing, something I've wanted to happen for a long time. I took the MCAT twice last summer, and got the same exact score both times, which was way too low to get into an M.D. program... But I realized that if I had gotten in then it would have likely made it difficult for Sam and I to live in the same city once we were married AND by me not getting in, I'd be able to get a job and help us pay for our living expenses so we don't have so many education loans when Sam graduates from Med School. And so with that in mind I started looking hard for jobs right before graduation. And I didn't feel like I was making any real progress. I'd get an interview only to be turned down etc. And I was so worried, because I felt like the whole reason I wasn't going to medical school was to get a job and make money, and then even THAT wasn't going to work out how I wanted it to. Man, it's been a stressful couple months with all the pressure I was putting on myself to land the perfect job (at the perfect time too) and plan a great wedding. And I kid you not, two weeks before the wedding I had another interview for a job with MUCH better hours which is also more related to what I wanted to do, and I just had this sense of peace about it, like it was going to finally work out. Two days before our wedding I got the job offer, and I can start as soon as we get home from our Honeymoon, which will also help us be able to pay rent when we move into our new apartment together (which was another thing we were worried about). Literally the perfect situation at the perfect time. And I was so stressed out before that, that I couldn't find one in MY TIME. But after this last interview, I realized that I was way too worried about doing things MY WAY, and that I just needed to (just like you said) have faith and trust in GOD'S TIME. And I swear that His Hand has been in all of this with me, I just needed to trust in His plan and know that He has it all under control. I think it's hard not to get caught up in our own plans and wanting things to be a certain way, but the truly amazing thing is, that even when things don't work out the way that we want them to, I can honestly guarantee that God's plan is so much more amazing and perfect than anything I could ever come up with. And a lot of the time, looking back, I'm really glad things didn't work out the way I wanted them to, because they're so much better the way that they are! :)
ReplyDeleteIsn't that just always how it goes? We miss out on something we think is totally awesome and right for us, only to find something a little later that is even more perfect. Guess that's why they say God works in mysterious ways! I'm glad that everything fell into place so well for you and your wedding. :) Thanks for stopping by my blog!
DeleteOkay, we are way too alike. I also have ALWAYS wanted kids, so much so that I truly believe it is my calling. It's part of the reason I have made some of the decisions I have made like getting my act together and getting married in the temple, because I wanted the perfect foundation of a healthy marriage for my future babies...but I've also always been scared of what might happen if I'm not able to have kids! Now that we are trying, that fear is so much more real and I worry about it all the time. We're going to the temple tonight to ease my fears and try to hand fear that over to Heavenly Father.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm kind of confused because I thought I was following you but apparently I wasn't! So when I clicked on your page I was surprised to see all these posts I've missed haha. Problem solved now :)
That's so awesome that you made certain decisions in order to have a good foundation for future kids. I think that shows how important it is to you. I hope so much that you guys get pregnant soon! But the temple is always a great place to go to remember how much Heavenly Father loves us and that He's got things under control. Hope it helped ease your fears a bit :)
DeleteAnd I'm glad that situation has been remedied! Haha now we're friends for real ;)