my take on mormon marriage

Recently, a friend of mine asked me to write a blog post on Mormon marriage, more specifically on our tendencies for a short courtship and engagement. Since this is actually something I'm kind of passionate about, I'm obliging her now :)

**The following reflects my personal experience and opinions coupled with my observations. I do not claim to be laying down any sort of Mormon doctrine for short courtship/engagement, though some of what I share will be doctrine.

My first date with Russ until the day I married him covered about six months. The first time I met Russ until the day I married him covered about ten months.

Such a short courtship and even such a short friendship sounds like a foreign concept to those who date for at least a year, if not three to five years, right? But to me, dating for so long is the foreign concept.

Mormons believe that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children." Basically, that means that marriage and family are two of the very most important things we're supposed to seek in this lifetime.

Some people nowadays like to degrade the importance of marriage and family. They feel that a successful career or traveling the world are more worthy causes. While there is nothing wrong with having a successful career or traveling the world, I'm going to make a crazy claim that those are not the most important things. Marriage and family are, because those familial relationships are what you can carry with you to the next life.

So if marriage is one of the ultimate goals of this lifetime, why delay it? Which is one reason why Mormons get married at younger ages than almost anyone else (I was barely twenty).

But that doesn't mean you just pick a random person and marry them ASAP. Marriage is still about love and compatibility and having similar goals.

Mormons don't believe in "soul mates" -- that is, we don't believe there is just one person in the entire world with whom you will have a perfect marriage. Marriage can work between any two people, as long as they are both committed to making it work.

So you go through life, meeting people and dating people, and you finally find that special someone who just seems to make your whole world better. You're in love and you want to be together, so again I ask, why wait?

At this point I should probably mention what Mormons believe about sex. We believe in saving ourselves for marriage. And not just saving that last bit, but in saving everything. Before marriage (even through engagement) we're not supposed to do anything more passionate than kissing. Making out even pushes the limits because that just leads to wanting more. So I'm not going to lie, this is definitely part of why Mormon engagements are shorter. It gets much harder to resist that temptation and stay pure when you know you're kissing the person you want to spend forever with.

But one logical reason in support of postponing marriage is that it's such a big deal. Marriage is a serious commitment, especially to us Mormons, because we believe that marriage lasts forever. And since it lasts forever, you want to make sure that you make a good choice, even if it's at a young age like twenty. No pressure, right? ;)

I think (and this is total speculation) that's why people generally wait so long to actually tie the knot. They want to test drive their relationship before making such a big decision. If it works for three years, it should work for the rest of your lives, right? And yet, divorce rates are still super high . . . so maybe test driving isn't that helpful after all.

In my opinion, the biggest determining factor for how successful a marriage will be is the level of commitment. I think (and I'm really not trying to be offensive, this is just an important point) that test driving a relationship actually shows a lack of commitment. It allows you to act like you're married (live together, share money, have pets or kids together, etc.), while still having the freedom to walk away at any time (even if you don't think about it that way or realize it). It shows a fear that things might not eventually work out. Which, in reality, is totally understandable. There's a lot to be afraid of when it comes to sharing your entire life with someone else. So you take baby steps, and you do a test drive.

Alternatively, by making a marriage commitment before acting like you're married, you're showing just how committed you are to that person. You're ready to stop looking everywhere else, and focus on loving that one person for the rest of your life. You're willing to close the door on that "easily walking out" option.

Our prophet, Thomas S. Monson, has said in several talks that when it comes to marriage, the formula is pretty simple: "Choose your love; love your choice."

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You don't have to know everything about someone before marrying them. I mean, you want to feel comfortable with how much you know about them, but there's no minimum requirement of knowledge about the other person before getting married. So once you find someone that you love spending time with, and whose personality you find perfect and adorable, you only really need to know one more thing: can you both be committed to the relationship forever, through the good times and the bad ones? So you choose the person you're going to love, and then once you've made that decision, you make the decision for the rest of your life to love that choice; to love that person that you decided to commit to. If you've both made that decision, you don't need to worry about things not working out later, because you've both decided you will make things work no matter what.

But two things that really help me and other Mormons feel comfortable with short courtships are faith and the Spirit. You might call the Spirit by another name or by no name at all, but it can still influence your life. For example, if you feel conflicted or doubtful about a relationship, that could be because the Spirit is trying to help you know that the relationship isn't quite right for you. But if you feel happy and you want to do more and be better while you're in a relationship with someone, that's probably the Spirit saying "Heck yes, go for it!" [I realize that people who haven't grown up knowing about the Spirit might think it sounds creepy or weird or something. You could think of him as an angel that subtly leads you (because he won't force you) in directions that will bring you happiness, because in reality, that's what he does.] So when you feel good about moving forward with the relationship, then it's time to take that leap of faith. Have faith in yourself and your judgment; have faith in God and in His Spirit that won't lead you down bad paths; and have faith in your partner and his/her commitment to you.

To sum up, I want to say that Mormons as a whole generally get married after a short time for the following three reasons, but though I believe that's true, I'll only make claims about myself.

1. I really value marriage and recognize it as one of the most important things I can do in this life.
2. I was willing to make a big commitment, knowing that life and marriage wouldn't always be easy, but knowing that they would be worth it and that together, Russ and I could work through any difficult time.
3. I trusted God and the feelings he gave me about Russ, and then took the leap of faith and married Russ.

Now, as I've said, these are just my opinions based on my experiences and my observations. I do believe that many Mormons feel the same way as I do regarding these three points, but I also know that there are those who might not. And there are lots of Mormons who have courtships that last a lot longer than mine did. I can't tell you anyone else's reasons for getting married quickly or for delaying marriage, so I've just told you mine.

Now, I haven't been married for very long--only two short years. So people could definitely make the claim that I don't know what I'm talking about and that I don't have enough experience to back up my opinions about marriage. But no matter what anyone else thinks, I know that I will be married to Russ for the rest of our lives and for the eternity that follows that. Together, we have chosen to value our marriage above most everything else; we have made a forever commitment to each other, a commitment to work through things together and grow closer as a result; and we have trusted and will continue to trust in God and to have faith in His plans for us. So despite our short courtship/engagement, we'll be together forever :)

Please feel free to ask any questions or voice your opinions in the comments, but please remain respectful.