let's talk about babies.
If you happen to stalk my 23 before 23 list (I know I do . . . I gotta remember everything I still have to do in just 3 short months!!), you may have noticed 3. Make a baby. Well, folks, the reason I haven't written about it yet is not for lack of trying to make it happen. I went off birth control (a birth control which was supposed to have no effect on my ability to get pregnant afterward) in June 2014 and so far, no baby.
It was shortly after we went of birth control that I posted about my fear of infertility. I remember thinking I am going to sound so dumb if I come back in 3 weeks and say, well I guess that fear had no basis! I'm pregnant! But I wasn't pregnant 3 weeks later, or even 3 months later.
Then we kind of took a break from September until the end of December because my family planned a really exciting trip for June 2015 (for which I cannot be more than 24 weeks pregnant) . . . we didn't go on any sort of birth control again, but we just didn't really worry about it. We figured if it happened, it happened, and we'd be grateful either way because we'd* either end up pregnant or on a great vacation (though the best scenario would be to be pregnant and on a great vacation, so we're crossing our fingers for these next few months).
So here we are in February, after months of trying and not trying, and we're not pregnant. And that's a hard thing. It's hard because we haven't been able to add a baby to our lives yet, but it's also hard because we have no idea when we will be able to.
I used to complain all the time about how I just wanted to know the future, because it would make life so much easier. I thought when I got married I was done with needing to know the future because I'd made the most important choice, but I guess I still struggle with the unknown of the future . . . When will we get pregnant? Where will we end up? When will we be in a house? among other questions. I guess right now it's hard to see the wonder and excitement that "future" can bring, when all I can really see are questions and unknowns.
*Yes, I will be one of those people who says we are pregnant because I think pregnancy is a joint thing, even if I'm the one carrying the baby.
It was shortly after we went of birth control that I posted about my fear of infertility. I remember thinking I am going to sound so dumb if I come back in 3 weeks and say, well I guess that fear had no basis! I'm pregnant! But I wasn't pregnant 3 weeks later, or even 3 months later.
Then we kind of took a break from September until the end of December because my family planned a really exciting trip for June 2015 (for which I cannot be more than 24 weeks pregnant) . . . we didn't go on any sort of birth control again, but we just didn't really worry about it. We figured if it happened, it happened, and we'd be grateful either way because we'd* either end up pregnant or on a great vacation (though the best scenario would be to be pregnant and on a great vacation, so we're crossing our fingers for these next few months).
So here we are in February, after months of trying and not trying, and we're not pregnant. And that's a hard thing. It's hard because we haven't been able to add a baby to our lives yet, but it's also hard because we have no idea when we will be able to.
I used to complain all the time about how I just wanted to know the future, because it would make life so much easier. I thought when I got married I was done with needing to know the future because I'd made the most important choice, but I guess I still struggle with the unknown of the future . . . When will we get pregnant? Where will we end up? When will we be in a house? among other questions. I guess right now it's hard to see the wonder and excitement that "future" can bring, when all I can really see are questions and unknowns.
*Yes, I will be one of those people who says we are pregnant because I think pregnancy is a joint thing, even if I'm the one carrying the baby.
Love your heart and your authenticity and rawness. Praying, girl. So may questions. But God is up to something grand. xx
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you haven't been able to get pregnant yet girl. We haven't started trying yet (still on BC) but infertility is definitely one of my fears. Hope it happens for you soon xx
ReplyDeleteSaw you post this on facebook so I'm allowed to read it ;) I am terrified of this, too! Out of the 20ish med wives in the branch here, I'd say 80% of them have struggled with infertility. Maybe more. Nearly all of them were able to get pregnant after a few years, and one or two had successful IVFs. It's worrying because I know it's a common thing that I really might struggle with. If that's the case, of course we'd want to start trying now. But then if it's not a problem, that would be bad because the health care down here is terrible and I wouldn't want to get pregnant knowing that I'd be on my own if anything went wrong. I hope you can meet this goal on your 23 before 23--you'll be such a fun mom!
ReplyDeleteEven though I just had a baby I worry that it was a fluke or something and next time we will have problems getting pregnant. I believe that more than anything it is all about the Lord's timing which is always difficult when it doesn't align with our timing. I hope a baby happens soon for you!
ReplyDeleteI've never been in this specific situation, but I know how it feels to just want to know.. and just want to be in control.. thank you for your honest post! It taught me a lot.
ReplyDeleteI am going through this right now myself, and it is really a scary thing! I worry about it everyday! I hope the best for you!
ReplyDeleteInfertility was always one of my biggest fears because all I've ever wanted to be was a mom. I remember talking to my therapist about it when she asked if I had any reason to think I may have problems getting pregnant. I didn't. But a few months later we started trying and despite no 'reason' we didn't get pregnant. Praying for you sweet girl! There was a light at the end of the tunnel for us and I'll be hoping for one for you too.
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