so many {postpartum} feelings!

A little bit before I had Ada, Russ and I were walking to church and talking about life after baby. One thing we touched on was postpartum hormones and postpartum depression. "That time of the month" doesn't make me emotional, and I really only had like two emotional episodes during pregnancy, so I said it was possible that I wouldn't have hormone craziness after delivery. But I also knew it was completely possible that I would have hormone craziness -- it was just something we couldn't predict!

Well let me tell you. Those hormones have been in full force!

Things I have cried about include:

• About 5 hours after we got home from the hospital, I turned to Russ and burst into tears and said, "I miss our baby!" He asked how long I'd been feeling that way and I said, "about 3 seconds . . . " It just came on so sudden and strong! 
• Many times throughout Russ's paternity week, I cried just thinking about how the week would end and he'd have to return to work again . . . this started on like Tuesday. 
• Not all my crying has been sad. I've also cried just thinking about how much I love both Russ and Ada! I've been overwhelmed by how wonderful they both are. She is perfect, and he is the sweetest daddy. I feel extremely blessed :)
• I often cried when we would leave the NICU for the night. This was a big one. The hardest part about it was most definitely the uncertainty of when we would get to bring Ada home. As soon as we got a better idea of when she would be discharged, I didn't usually cry. And then as soon as her release date kept getting pushed back, I cried a lot more.
• One night, Russ was feeling sad. He had returned to work and he was sad Ada still wasn't home with us. I was so sad that he was sad (and also sad about those two aforementioned things), that I started crying, and it became quite uncontrollable. Everything just felt SO. SAD. I cried so much for so long that my eyes were ridiculously swollen after that. 

I thought the crying would stop once we got to bring her home, but it hasn't. Now I cry because I'm worried she's not eating enough or that she's sleeping too much. I cry because I feel so sad, and then I cry because I'm worried that I'll just end up crying through my girl's first weeks or months of life and I'll miss out on the new baby joy. I cry thinking about how fast she's going to grow up and how I want to savor every moment. I cry because I feel like we got more quality time with her in the hospital because every time we went, we'd feed her and then each spend 20-30 minutes doing skin-to-skin with her. I cry because I really want her to have a predictable schedule, but I'm not quite sure how to make that happen. I cry because I really want to exclusively breastfeed, but I'm currently breastfeeding, bottle feeding, and pumping to try and make sure she gets enough. I cry because I'm not sure she's even eating anything when she breastfeeds, and I worry she's just sucking like it's a pacifier. I cry because I second guess everything I'm doing. I cry because Russ has to go to work and we can't just be together all day. I cry because I feel like I'll never have enough alone time with Russ again. I cry because I want other people to leave; I cry because I don't want to be alone. I cry because I want more kids but I never want to feel this way again!

She seems to only cry for normal reasons thus far -- hunger, tiredness, messy diapers -- so I feel like I have it easy, and yet I still can't keep from crying or feeling very down. I wouldn't say it's postpartum depression based on what I've read about that (I'm not having feelings of being a terrible mother or like everything is my fault or like she'd be better off without me or anything like that), but I'd definitely say it's "baby blues." I've never felt like my emotions are so beyond my control.

And it comes in waves. Sometimes I cry about everything and I can't seem to see the happy, and then it will pass and I'll feel mostly fine. Basically, it's just really hard and I want it to end.

Anyone else who's felt this way -- What did you do to get through it? How long did it last?

//update//
After a doctor's appointment revealed that Ada was doing okay, I felt much better. I still have my moments of sadness, but they are much fewer and farther between now. Additionally, I opted to go on anti-depression meds for the time being.
//end update//

**ashleynicole